By Jonathan Kastner
Rocky Mountain Collegian (Colorado State University)
is facing a critical shortage of dead dinosaurs to burn as
fuel. Barring some convoluted scheme involving cloning, a
time machine and an elephant gun, we're not going to be replenishing
our supply anytime soon. The gas crisis is here to stay, so
we may as well start living with it and stop calculating how
to fit a T-rex into a DeLorean.
As gas prices go up, car usage should go down, unless you
have money to burn, so to speak.
Fortunately, we live in modern times with loads of non-car
transportation options, each more inconvenient and demeaning
than the last. I recommend you try them all, as then you'll
be loads more willing to shell out the extra cash for gas
Walking is a good healthy alternative to guzzling gasoline.
Plenty of fresh air, that "exercise" thing doctors
are always going on about walking is perfect as long
as the destination isn't much farther than the fridge.
Farther than that and you'll start to realize that the exercise
is overrated and the fresh air smells like car exhaust. Besides,
doctors never walk anywhere. And heatstroke victims go to
doctors, who tell them to get more exercise. It's a vicious
Speaking of vicious cycles, there's always the bike. It's
faster than walking so there's less time being baked and irradiated
by our polluted planet. The catch, of course, is that a cyclist
is, essentially, a squirrel. At any moment, cyclists could
dart from the sidewalk and into the road, or vice versa, in
their relentless pursuit of acorns.
Even if you are a non-nuts cyclist, you'll be treated like
any other squirrel, which means it's more 'privilege-of-way'
The best advice to survive on bike is to decide if you are
a pedestrian or a car, and then stick with it. If you can't
help your naughty self and just have to go the squirrel route,
be really, really fast. Slow squirrels went extinct a long
Right now a car is sounding pretty sweet. If only there was
some way to sucker someone else into paying for the gas? Enter
the bus. It's fast and shielded from nature like a car, but
the gas is being paid for by a non-you person.
The catch? Sometimes you'll arrive just a little late at
the bus stop and see the vanishing taillights of the bus whiz
merrily into the distance without you. It's disproportionately
depressing, like the bus has rejected you personally, and
this causes psychological damage, which you could turn into
a lucrative lawsuit. For this reason, the bus is the best
Those are the basic alternative forms of transportation.
But did you know there are alternative alternative forms
of transportation, some of which are always lethal? From the
roof of the average house, you can get enough wind on a hang
glider to plummet shrieking to earth. Since we don't want
you to get hurt, you should make sure whatever you jump off
is at least 60 feet high.
Or, if heights aren't your thing, you can attach a plunger
to a rope to your waist, throw the plunger at a car, and skate
along behind it. For legal purposes, I'll be very, very clear
these are great ideas and in no way would you end up
in a hospital, and molten lead is an excellent skin lotion.
Of course there is talk of developing cheap, renewable fuels
that don't rely on ancient dead things. Instead they rely
on abundant combustibles such as hydrogen, or solar energy.
And the oil companies will welcome these changes, as they
are already rich enough.
Oh, and the T-rex will fit in my flying DeLorean.